Some of the lessons in life we will learn the hard way, by trial and success

 

Some of the lessons in life we will learn the hard way, just the way most humans learn most things—by trial and error. You touch the flame and pretty soon you figure out that the fire is hot. (Some folks heed the warning, some folks just have to urinate on the electric fence for themselves!)

We each will have setbacks in life. You may be rejected, neglected, perhaps drop the ball in the end zone of life. A baby  doesn't fret when he falls, he quickly gets back up and goes on. We all make mistakes and endure failures and the cruel things others may do and say. That’s what other humans do, so don’t be too tough on yourself. Anybody who tells us they’ve had a life filled with nothing but success might be delusional or just trying to sell us an audio program.

Since we’re all going to have setbacks, we can take some risks in life.  Seek what makes you happy and fulfilled.  “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Find then follow your passion; do what you enjoy so long as it doesn’t impinge on the rights of others or inflict hurt and pain.  Once you achieve enough financial security to provide for yourself and your family with the basics like food and shelter, there is little connection between increased wealth and more happiness. 

Take responsibility for your own actions and cease blaming others when bad things happen. This also means don't go along with others who want you "to take accountability" or responsibility for what happened in their lives, they're just sociopaths.

Look in the mirror, examine how you can change and what you can do, but you can stop trying to change other people. Accept them for who they are. They can and will make necessary changes in due time, by themselves.

We cannot control everything, including when somebody we love leaves or dies. This can be excruciatingly painful. If unchecked, you may feel helpless. Understand you are not responsible for everything that happens in life. When you truly understand that, it can feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.

When you have a setback, a loss, a sickness, be it physical or mental, an addiction or whatever, reach out to a friend, or anybody who cares about you. You need not feign appearing strong to the world, this doesn't make you strong. If you are vulnerable, you can share your vulnerability. That’s what friends are for. (They can help in another way if they can't help you out with money. If they won't help at all, they aren't your friend. Especially if you did a whole lot for them at one time.)

Count your blessings: be content with what you have , ... realise there is nothing lacking and the whole world belongs to you. 

Lao Tzu.

©  William Moore 2021, All rights Reserved

 

Counteract Negatives

What I’ve been doing a lot lately is gratitude practice. What we know from brain sciences and Buddhism teachings is you can, in fact, train your brain. Your brain becomes more negative over time because negative experiences stick in our brains.

So you can counteract that.You can ask yourself: What good idea comes out of that recent negative experience, thought or memory? Can you apply that good idea in an even more positive way? If not, as it involves another person, does that person have to deal with it in a karmic way now? 

You can easily counteract the negative experience by being more conscious of things you appreciate, the good things in your life. 

So I just think, What am I grateful for in the broad sense of my life? What am I grateful for in the previous day? What am I looking forward to that I’m going to enjoy in the coming day? 

It’s a good exercise. For a number of years, I was diligent about physical working out. But what I’ve learned in my sort of later years, the last ten, is the importance of what we might call a workout of the mind. It’s that idea of mindfulness, and it needs the same kind of discipline and focus that the physical side needs.

©  William Moore 2021, All rights Reserved

Do your friends audit their own behavior and motives regularly? Do they build support for you into their lives? Do they spend their time wisely enough that you aren’t reluctant to grow yourself for fear of leaving them behind?

At the beginning of the pandemic, when we were told to avoid seeing anyone outside of our nuclear household, people panicked. 

 

Some don’t have nuclear households… Some live alone… Some aren’t friends with their roommates… Some rely heavily on the social and emotional support they’re fed from their stronger relationships, but they don’t live with those people.

 

As time moved forward and it was clear the Covid-19 virus would be sticking around, the scientists in charge allowed us gatherings of up to 10 people and suggested we consider carefully which friends made the cut into our inner circles.

 

That could have been based on any number of things – physical proximity, friendship longevity, lifestyle alignment, immediate family relations, socioeconomic similarities, commensurate social distancing styles, or other considerations.

 

For a lot of people, that was a tough decision. Some took it more seriously than others, even making sure that the people in their inner circles chose their inner circles with the same care and scrutiny.

 

But it certainly forced a lot of people to weigh and measure their relationships in a way that adults don’t regularly do. After a certain age, we don’t give our friendships regular check-ups to take their temperatures.

 

Most of them just… coast forever, and we don’t think about the precious energy we allow to flow into stale, toxic, or draining friendships. Which affects us more than we realize, mainly because “you are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time."  

 

Put another way, via Dr. David McClelland of Harvard University, the people you’re around the most “determined as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.” Or, maybe a little more softly, “it’s not what you know, but who you know that counts.”

 

Of all the reasons to be discerning about your friendships and there are many, the concept that our friendships build an orbit around us, controlling the pushes and pulls of our lives, holds the most water.

 

Let’s not think of our friendships as tools for getting ahead in life, or fast-track tickets to success. Frankly, “success” and “failure” aren’t granular enough to warrant an orbit shift as severe as friendship culling.

 

Instead, decide what constitutes "winning in the game of life"  for you. Then think about where you may be dissatisfied with yourself. How you react, how you support, how you contribute. 

 

How you spend your time, how often you learn new things, how brave or afraid you are when you stand on the precipice of something unfamiliar.

 

Now think about the five people you spend the most time with. We are told we can only get so far alone. We are told that everything in life is easier, faster, and stronger with teamwork. Hence you really should be looking at your inner circle – at and as your teammates.

 

Do your teammates reflect on themselves as critically or supportively as you just did? Do they audit their own behavior and motives regularly? Do they practice what what is preached on Sundays?

 

Do they build support for you into their lives? Do they spend their time wisely enough that you aren’t reluctant to grow yourself for fear of leaving them behind?

 

These are tough questions – none of us are omniscient, and none of us has the full picture of anyone’s lives no matter how well we know them.

 

But that shouldn’t stop you from coming to conclusions based on two empirical pieces of evidence: how they make you feel about your own life, and how you watch them run their own. 

 

You want your team members to share common goals with you, so that “winning” looks similar enough to everyone involved. Without that shared identity, it can be easy to remain in an orbit that doesn’t center around what you want your life to look like.

 

What’s more, it isn’t necessary for you to cruelly sever relationships or grandstand about newly-discovered incompatibility – the fear of that confrontation keeps people locked in undeserving relationships for much longer than they should be there.

 

A gradual easing of time given, coupled with an increased investment in the friendships that do have traits in common with the person you’d like to become, will do perfectly well. 

 

Extra points if you’re not only considering what might be currently bringing you down, but what could eventually lift you up – invest in friendships with people you admire. 

 

Do you have friends you mostly drink with, but the person you want to become consumes less alcohol? 

 

Do you have friends who use recreational drugs and prefer to engage in toxic and consuming romantic relationships, but the person you want to become prefers stability and support? 

 

Do you have friends who aren’t interested in expanding their knowledge and skill set, but the person you want to become is someone curious and forward-thinking? 

 

Not every friendship is created this way, yet you’ll only get to where you want to go if you’ve got the right mates on your team. 

 

While we presently cannot socially engage in the world the way we once did,  do reflect on who you’ve got on your team – and if “winning in the game of life” looks anything to them like it looks to you. Reflect. Apply. Repeat.

 

2020's  a perfect time for perfect visual acuity. 2021's  a perfect time to appreciate what you have and  be grateful for that. Resolve, Apply, Reflect, Repeat.

 

 

 

© Will Moore 2020, 2021 all rights reserved.